Indecency
by Hushabye
Summary: Mal believes he's being decent in not telling her.
1. I

_This is my first **Firefly **fic. If the characters are too OOC, I apologize. But I tried making them as un-OOC as possible.  
>Set sometime before Inara tells Mal she's leaving Serenity.<br>I hope you like it. :D_

* * *

><p>The stubborn man wouldn't leave the stubborn woman's fortress, despite her obvious discontent. And she didn't shoo him away because he wasn't a fly, though sometimes she felt he was, flitting from thing to thing- always distracted, never satisfied- only to burn out a few days later and rise back up, thriving and new. He also wasn't the cleanest of men, but that was to be expected.<p>

Their arguing slowly went from light to silly to flat-out ridiculous. Then she brought up the ever-popular subject of not having any opportunity whatsoever to service "decent" clients. How they never seemed to land on a "decent" planet.

"There ain't no such thing as a "decent" man out here, Inara. What do you expect? And as for a "decent" planet, 's your problem, not mine."

Inara sighed, exasperated. She didn't even bother to respond, which left Mal to his own thoughts for awhile. She crossed her arms and thought about what to say next- if she should say anything. She stared at the floor and counted the seconds, minutes of silence.

"This isn't working," Inara finally concluded. Mal didn't say anything, waiting for her to explain herself. "I need something else. I can't stay here anymore."

Mal's facial expression softened for a moment. But only for a moment. "I'm sorry. Living here too indecent for ya? Like what _you_ do ain't indecent?" Inara hated his tone and wished she could slap it like it had a face. She didn't reply to that either. She would never be able to justify her career choice. And she wasn't making good money like she used to. What other choice did she have? Stay there? With... _him?_

"Why do you always do this, Mal? Make me feel like I'm... _useless_..." Inara trailed off, and then her head suddenly shot up_. _"You think what _I _do is indecent? Well, according to _you _and _your _standards, that should fit in _perfectly _with what _you _do! I'd be a professional at it. I'd be better than _you._.. Does that _scare _you, Mal? That I'd be better than you at your own damn job?... If it deserves that important of a title..." Inara scrunched up her features. "_Ni_ _ta ma de!_" Her outburst caught the both of them off guard. She squeezed her eyes shut and wouldn't look at him. Couldn't.

Mal became angrier and angrier by the millisecond. "Because I'm indecent." He started to walk away, leaving everything unfinished to save his own ass, like he was so good at. Only difference was, she managed to stop him.

"Don't you _dare! _We're not finished," Inara coldly stated. Mal turned around and gave her the coldest look she had ever seen.

"Are we _ever _finished? Huh? Always carryin' on, not doing a god damn thing." He paused and shook his head, walking toward her. "You know what I love about you, Inara? You're so easy. In more ways than the usual one." Mal was about to leave again, but Inara halted his movements with her voice once more.

"If I'm so damn easy, why haven't you made a move? Why haven't you claimed me as your own?" Too late did Inara realize what she had just said. And she would never be able to take it back.

"_Claim _you? If you haven't already figured it out, Inara, I ain't _that_ indecent."

"You're blind."

"No. I'm leaving." Mal finally left without a moment's hesitation, though he had so much to say. He just didn't know how to say it.

Inara stared blankly at the place he was once standing. She couldn't help thinking. She loved him. She loved him.

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><p><em>Ni<em> _ta ma de_ is Mandarin for "mother fucker." That's what Google told me anyway. :P  
>I know this seemed kind of rushed, but I was thinking I'd continue it either with another chapter or a separate story. What do you think? I'd really appreciate some feedback. :D<p> 


	2. II

They barely spoke to each other for the next few days. No raised voices or hushed secrets. Mal and Inara talked to everyone else as if nothing had occurred between them. In front of others, if one of them had to ask the other a question, the person being interrogated would answer in as few words as possible. The rest of the crew noticed, but decided not to bring it up. It wasn't like they weren't talking to each other _at all._ There was enough work-related tension and stress among the bunch that Inara and Mal being in a silent fight was the least of their worries.

Inara grew to hate the sound of her heart beat. It was the only thing that reminded her she was alive- that whenever she was around him, it went faster- running away from sweet reason. She wanted, needed him to say something. If she ever felt his heart beat, she would be free of this entrapment.

She wanted to leave.

But first, she had to say goodbye.

* * *

><p>A week passed before she saw the colors dance. Red and purple and white. She saw her reflection. And she knew what she must do.<p>

Mal hadn't barged into her shuttle since they'd clashed. In fact, he wouldn't look at her unless he absolutely _had _to. She caught nothing in his eyes when he did. Deep pools of blue- a never-ending, fish-less ocean.

She agreed, after a long debate with herself, to go to his quarters. She hardly ever did. She needed things to never be the same.

_Serenity _was dark and dreamless. Inara carefully walked out of her domain, her comfort zone, and began her journey that would lead her to the end.

Inara almost wished for River or Kaylee or even Jayne to appear out of the shadows. Then she would make up an excuse. Then she _could _make up an excuse. She'd crawl back into bed and curl up inside her thoughts. Morning would come, preferably sooner rather than later. She would greet it with utmost sincerity, and she would get ready to face...

_Nothing._

Absolutely nothing.

No. She couldn't bare the thought of that. It was almost routine now. A wicked, shameful familiarity.

Inara descended the ladder to her hypocritical feelings. There was that heart beat again. Clammy hands; blushing cheeks; sweaty pits; burning thighs. Mal was sitting on the edge of his bed, his chin in his left hand. He looked like a statue- uncomfortable, unmoving. He didn't notice her until she was directly in front of him. Or maybe he had chosen not to see her. He didn't _have _to before.

Neither of them said anything for the longest time. Inara sat next to him, contemplating her moves so thoroughly that she probably looked like a cyborg- one that was recently programmed, everything shiny and new and frightening. She always hated feeling useless.

"What would you do if I were to be indecent right now?" Inara breathed. Her breath sounded like it had been held in for years, and it came out all rushed and horrible. Mal stared ahead when he finally answered.

"Wouldn't be any different than the past couple 'o weeks. So probably nothin'." She cringed at that one measly word. _Nothin'. _

Nothing.

Mal slowly stood, occupying the spot Inara had when she entered a few minutes earlier. She stared at him. He stared at the floor. His awkwardness caught her off guard a little. He was always so forward, his demeanor so bold.

Inara breathed out. Breathed in after she felt the numbness spread. "I've been indecent to myself by... by feeling-"

"_Biétíle,_" Mal interrupted, putting up a hand. "T'ain't no need- no use."

Inara looked at him. _Really _looked at him, but he still wouldn't look at her.

_Stubborn stubborn stubborn._

"You make the tiniest things the most difficult, Mal. You must take pleasure in it because you do it all the time." Inara could feel tears inside, replacing her _xiōnghěn_ heart. She hastily and clumsily got off the bed, ready to leave before she made an even bigger fool of herself. All at once, she felt unexpected warmth. His hand on... hers.

"Hold your horses. This ain't tiny, Inara. This ain't tiny and you know it. You damn well know it." Mal said this in a tone that resembled a loud whisper. He sounded hurt and apologetic. Inara wished she could read him, but he was such an enigma. One of the many reasons why she...

Inara jerked her hand away, though she didn't mean to. The tears were welling up so violently now. She couldn't risk it. She took her first step toward the exit, but he wasn't having any of it. He tenderly grabbed her and gently pinned her against the wall. She wouldn't, couldn't look at him. She shut her eyes and blinked back her feelings. One escaped and bled, everywhere it seemed. Her cheek was swollen, unable to contain the power of her suppression.

"Look at me," Mal instructed. She disobeyed. "It's rude to not look at someone when they're speakin' to you. They think you ain't listenin'. They think you don't give a rat's ass about what they're sayin'."

Inara looked at him. She wasn't having any of it. "Look at you the way you looked at me," she said. More tears. She hated hated hated the way the invisible liquid was so visible, so painfully obvious. Mal did not utter a word; nothing fell through his lips. Instead, he gingerly wiped her tears away with his thumb. She flinched beneath his overwhelming touch. She wanted out. Couldn't.

"You don't see. Every day. Every day, I-"

"Don't speak. Just listen," Mal cut in once more. He wouldn't take his eyes off her. Never blinked. She did several times.

"Listen... To what?" Inara asked in a husky voice. Mal was very serious. He hadn't cracked a smile- smug- since she had set her dainty foot in his comfort zone.

He still didn't close his eyes. That's why she didn't anticipate it. His face was mere centimeters from hers. His hot hot hot breath mingled with her own, said, 'Hello, nice to meet you. What beautiful weather we've been having lately.'

Mal went right past her lips and set his cheek against hers. Inara's heart burst. Mal never did what was predictable.

"Sounds like paradise," he said. He moved away from her. Tears stained her cheek, and they forced her. They were like acid- an acid put there by close, trustworthy friends, soaking through her common senses. She pulled Mal toward her, pausing to see his unblinking eyes. She blinked before violently and delicately kissing him. He constricted against her. He never seemed to loosen up. Choke hold.

They slid to the floor. Her hands traveled all over him. He wouldn't touch her.

There was one point in her journey where Mal let go. Mal kissed her. Mal wanted, needed her. She could almost taste his tongue, steadily slithering into her mouth, between her teeth, dancing with her. She could almost feel his rough, calloused fingers running through her hair, digging into her scalp, and then her neck, and breasts, and hips; between her legs.

_Nothing._

Inara let go. Mal's seriousness was beginning to scare her. Yes, she had seen him this serious before. Just not... not for a long, long time. He should have given in by now.

_Just when I think I've got you figured out._

But it wasn't going his way.

Inara bit her lower lip. Should she... "I'm not supposed to feel as strongly as I do, but... I do. I won't apologize for it, but I will let it go. For the best of course." She smiled weakly and gradually stood. She looked down, looked at him, and left, never looking back, though she desperately needed to.

Mal couldn't watch her. He felt like he had violated her in all respects, and that was certainly not his intention. Certainly not his intention when she first came on board. Certainly not his intention when they fought. Certainly not his intention when they kissed.

He sat on his bed again and stared at the place Inara once stood. Nothing was right. Nothing nothing nothing.

Mal was sure Inara was no longer in hearing distance, but he waited and waited, to be certain. To be clear. He closed his eyes.

"I hate you." He opened his eyes.

"_Àilǎohǔnǐ._" Long, necessary pause.

"I love you."

He had the (in)decency not to tell her.

Couldn't.

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><p><em>Biétíle<em> = Don't say it.  
><em>xiōnghěn <em>= vengeful  
><em>Àilǎohǔnǐ<em> = I love you.

_"Just when I think I've got you figured out."_ is a quote from the episode _Bushwhacked._

Thank you very much ebfiddler, Bytemite, and Malinara for your reviews/suggestions.  
>I hope this chapterending wasn't too much of a disappointment. In fact, I hope you liked it. :)

Thanks again. Catch ya later! Oh man, that sounded cheesy, didn't it? ;)

_Emily_


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